For those of you who know me, I love my coffee hot and my iced tea cold. There is nothing worse than a tepid beverage when you want it in its prime condition. Now that Christmas is over, my lukewarmness about a lot of things needs to change.
I am definitely finding that working continues to interfere with my personal life. housekeeping habits, eating/exercise endeavors and other vital areas to being healthy, organized and in control. What I've come to realize is that I need to get over it because I have to work and I am certainly not in a position to hire someone to organize my life, clean my house, cook my food and other such luxuries. Besides, there is something gratifying (YES, GRATIFYING) about doing those things for oneself and the sense of satisfaction it brings.
There is a new Planet Fitness opening about a 2 minute drive from my home. This is very good news because I have been floundering around regarding running, sort of making it out here and there, maybe...if there's time and the stars are aligned and the weather is right. It's not that I don't WANT to do it, it is that there always seems to be a host of urgent matters in line in front of it. By joining the new gym, I have put to rest the problem of being inconsistent, lukewarm about exercise. My greatest challenge is that once I get home, it is difficult to "escape" again because the kids need my attention, or household tasks that have piled up distract me.
My plan is on Tuesdays and Thursdays (as set, It-Must-Happen days) to go right to the gym and run before even going home. I will then either add an additional day at the gym or try to get out in the fresh air 1-2 days, for a total of 3-4 days a week of exercise). This is new for me and I am hoping it reinvigorates my zeal for running, which I had developed over the summer. I am planning on running the Ovarian Cancer 5K again in September 2012, then running the bridge, a 10K that takes place in November. With continued lukewarm action, these goals are worthless because I will not be ready to do it.
On to food. I am certainly guilty of lukewarm behaviors here. I tend to eat like a crazed ape, then penitently eat properly for a couple of days, or a week, before a social occasion or bad day lure me back into my carboholic ways. Clearly, Christmas hasn't exactly been a help in that area. I've fed not only my soul, but my body with all of the richest of things. :-) Tis' no longer the season so it is time to get a grip and start fueling a machine!
And cleaning, organizing, etc. They are also on my list of lukewarm ventures. My notorious inconsistence is something I am truly eager to end once and for all. I can read all the Better Homes and Gardens issues I like, but reading, magic and wishing do not make one's home a place of order and cleanliness. I sense more purging will be needed, along with battling my case of Dropsy to the death.
So here I am, on the brink of a New Year, a true "season of change" in which I can become "HOT" and pursue things with fervor until I accomplish them. I am starting now, because waiting until 1/1/12 is really just another way of being lukewarm.
Best wishes for a New Year filled with obtainable goals that you find yourself hotly pursuing. I know I am excited and hopeful about all the great things ahead of me in 2012.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
CARBOHOLISM and EXCUSES
"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." - ROMANS 7:15 (NLT)
Paul's lament in Romans 7:15 brings some relief to me, as I think of him. The apostle Paul, confronted by Jesus Himself on the road to Damascus, radically and suddenly converted on the spot. If he could write about such struggles, surely a weakling such as myself shares in his difficulty.
My main struggle at present is with consistency, or the lack thereof. I have been eating anything and everything I want, with gusto, whenever I feel like it. That's not OK. Accompanying this carboholic rut is the lack of discipline about making and sticking to a running schedule. Foolishness that. I was well on my way to becoming a real runner, possibly even a thin one.
I ran a 5K on 9/10. Here I am on 10/12, barely a month later, eating like my old self and losing my running mojo with each passing week of hardly exercising. All that effort and ground gained, slowly slipping away. Loss of focus makes all things fuzzy does it not?
It would be easy to blame this turn of events on my return to work, or the crazy nature of our household commitments, but in good conscience I cannot do this. I am always trumpeting the promise of Philippians 4:13 (I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.) so I can't go blaming my own laziness and lack of self-control on anything but myself. As Joyce Meyer says, " If you can't take authority over a piece of pie, how are you going to resist the devil?" God has already equipped me to make the changes needed. I just need to stop being stubborn and self-reliant.
If I am to be the Temple of the Holy Spirit, I certainly can't sit idly by tossing pumpkin spice mini cookies down my gullet and lament about my current condition. I hate it while I am doing it, even though it tastes great. Then I roam around a short time later, rustling through cupboards in the hopes of trying something else to sate my sweet tooth. I know it is wrong. I know it is not beneficial. Yet I do it. Just like Paul.
So here I am keeping myself honest by saying a few things about what will happen before I write again to my blogosphere world.
1. I will pack my lunch for work every day. It will include healthy things and no junk. I will then actually EAT said lunch instead of whatever junk I come across.
2. I will run 2-3x per week (no excuses!) and walk at least 1-2x per week (even if a short stroll).
3. I will ask God for help instead of relying on my own strength to eat right and exercise.
4. I will go up into the attic and find some smaller clothes to use as a visual goal for getting back on track.
I am still seeking change, though this change is peculiar. It is change back to the change I had accomplished before I changed back to my old ways. A circular plot if you will. I'm kind of done with my circular ways and am moving forward in a straight line.
Enough rambling. Time to peel some carrots.
Paul's lament in Romans 7:15 brings some relief to me, as I think of him. The apostle Paul, confronted by Jesus Himself on the road to Damascus, radically and suddenly converted on the spot. If he could write about such struggles, surely a weakling such as myself shares in his difficulty.
My main struggle at present is with consistency, or the lack thereof. I have been eating anything and everything I want, with gusto, whenever I feel like it. That's not OK. Accompanying this carboholic rut is the lack of discipline about making and sticking to a running schedule. Foolishness that. I was well on my way to becoming a real runner, possibly even a thin one.
I ran a 5K on 9/10. Here I am on 10/12, barely a month later, eating like my old self and losing my running mojo with each passing week of hardly exercising. All that effort and ground gained, slowly slipping away. Loss of focus makes all things fuzzy does it not?
It would be easy to blame this turn of events on my return to work, or the crazy nature of our household commitments, but in good conscience I cannot do this. I am always trumpeting the promise of Philippians 4:13 (I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.) so I can't go blaming my own laziness and lack of self-control on anything but myself. As Joyce Meyer says, " If you can't take authority over a piece of pie, how are you going to resist the devil?" God has already equipped me to make the changes needed. I just need to stop being stubborn and self-reliant.
If I am to be the Temple of the Holy Spirit, I certainly can't sit idly by tossing pumpkin spice mini cookies down my gullet and lament about my current condition. I hate it while I am doing it, even though it tastes great. Then I roam around a short time later, rustling through cupboards in the hopes of trying something else to sate my sweet tooth. I know it is wrong. I know it is not beneficial. Yet I do it. Just like Paul.
So here I am keeping myself honest by saying a few things about what will happen before I write again to my blogosphere world.
1. I will pack my lunch for work every day. It will include healthy things and no junk. I will then actually EAT said lunch instead of whatever junk I come across.
2. I will run 2-3x per week (no excuses!) and walk at least 1-2x per week (even if a short stroll).
3. I will ask God for help instead of relying on my own strength to eat right and exercise.
4. I will go up into the attic and find some smaller clothes to use as a visual goal for getting back on track.
I am still seeking change, though this change is peculiar. It is change back to the change I had accomplished before I changed back to my old ways. A circular plot if you will. I'm kind of done with my circular ways and am moving forward in a straight line.
Enough rambling. Time to peel some carrots.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
GOING THE DISTANCE
I've posted this photo so you can see I am a REAL woman, not skinny, not perfect, not quite fit (yet) but I did it and so can you!
Hello Gentle Readers,
It has been some time since I last wrote. This is mainly due to being gainfully employed, which I find has definitely interfered with my family life, my social life and my farting around on the internet life. Alas, as promised, I am here to report the details of my big race on 9/10.
For those of you who are new to the blog or didn't hear, I ran my first 5K on 9/10. This may sound like no big whoop, but for me, a former slug and celebrated potato, it is a huge deal. I began the Couch to 5K program around the beginning of July. I was hardly able to run the 60 second intervals during week 1, but amazingly, by the end of week 10, I was able to run a full 35 minutes without stopping.
About 5 weeks into the program, I decided to sign up for a 5K, which would not only make it more real, it would, in the words of a wise friend, make me look like a "big fat liar" if I didn't follow through. To be sure, I was very nervous because I was barely halfway through the program and was nowhere near 5K status.
Despite these fears, which haunted me right up until the week of the race, it was time to do it. My best prior to the race was 2.6 miles in 35 minutes. SLOW. Slow but respectable considering I am pretty hefty to begin with, have never exercised consistently and just had a baby in February. I had serious reservations about whether I would be able to finish because I'd only made the aforementioned time and distance, a full .5 below 5K.
RACE DAY! Overcast (thank you LORD!) and sort of low to mid-70's, it was really about as good as it gets for running weather in early September. I met with my friend Heather and her sister Leanne, who were also running the race. They are both younger, more fit and slimmer than I, so I knew that they'd get ahead of me and we'd planned to just meet up at the end, come what may. My mom, husband and the two little ones were there too - my own suburban entourage.
We were corralled by a buoyant arc of white, green and teal balloons, which was a starting gate of sorts. At the signal of the horn, we burst through the arc onto a beautiful path winding around the Memorial Hall building in Philadelphia. It was immediately evident to me that most of the others in the race were "real runners", because I soon found myself near the absolute end of the runner group, trailed by a woman with a jogging stroller and a few little kids in tow and a couple who consisted of a "real runner" and his lady friend, who seemed to be a beginner like me.
I was slightly disheartened by this because I had assumed that I would not be first in the race, but I didn't imagine being almost dead last either. Realizing that I needed to quickly dismiss this psychological hindrance, I told myself that it was much easier to run in the open without a lot of sweaty people surrounding me on all sides. Yeah, that was the ticket!
As I continued along the winding race trail, I forgot about the others and began to enjoy the feeling of - GASP - running a 5K race. I was running a 5K race! For real - with a balloon arc and a number pinned to my chest! I was a runner! Not one footfall of that race was walked. Not one.
With every epic journey, there are epic obstacles to accompany it. The main ones I encountered include:
*dodging muddy patches of muck left over from the flooding of Hurricane Irene (remember I am a faller)
*leaping (well, relatively) over bramble and branches littering the trail from the storm (remember I am a faller)
*a short, compact woman who kept running, then walking, then running again when she would see me out of the corner of her eye (as if to say - I'm not letting HER ahead of me)
*the mortification of having to ask the 1.5 mile walk participants which direction the runners had taken because I was THAT far behind them all
Despite these impediments, I finally spied that latex beacon ahead of me - the balloon arc! This was it! I was going to finish this thing. Pressing on with resolve, I slowed up as I triumphantly raised my arms and passed under the balloons. Unfortunately, I was greeted by my family and friends shouting and waving that I had to run another 75 yards or so ahead to the clock, which would record my time.
With a shout of "Oh crap!" I soldiered on, noting the time was at 33 minutes and some odd seconds. With that, I sprinted (as best as I could after all that running) ahead to the clock, determined to make it through in under 34 minutes. I sailed through at 33:50 - a personal best. I'd run .5 mile more than ever before in more than a minute less than my best time and distance.
Satisfied, sweaty, and slightly nauseous, I returned to my family for pictures and hearty congratulations and high fives. Since I was so near the end, they had run out of water, so we headed to the car and my dear husband set the course for my reward. About 25 minutes later, I was chowing down on a Pat's Cheesesteak from 9th and Passyunk. As everyone knows, this is fuel for bodies of all types. As I took a swig of my birch beer, I resolved to run it again next year.
Goal? Under 30 minutes next time. I am a work in progress after all.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
READY OR NOT, HERE IT CAME!
It turns out I CAN do all things (at once) through Christ who gives me strength. All praise and glory to Him who kept me glued together this week when my world was in a state of frantic change.
Like it or not, there were many changes that converged upon my life this past week (or 10 days). All of it was good, though much of it was difficult, stressful and bittersweet. You know how there's nothing, nothing, nothing going on, then suddenly EVERYTHING is going on at once? That was my week.
MOM FLIES THE NEST
I returned to work on 9/1, after being on maternity leave for 7 months. I hated to go and leave my beautiful babies, but my bank account insisted. No complaints, as it was by the provision and grace of God I stayed out that long. Lucky for me there are children at work to love and nurture too. I know it is my calling, so being there is really fine, though every day is a conscious effort to walk in love and speak in love. There is so much to be overwhelmed, frustrated, annoyed and offended by at school, but one of the aspects of my change-filled year is to decide to be happy. Ironically, one of the school psychologists has launched an "I Choose Happy" campaign. A lot of people think it is corny or some Pollyanna rhetoric, but it is working for me. I have peace in chaos and happiness in less-than-ideal situations these days.
CHICK FLIES THE NEST
We moved Em back to college for year 2 on 9/3/11. It was much smoother a process this time, both logistically and emotionally. I was teary in the car, but way less worried because Em has friends now and was so excited to be back at MSU. We moved her in quickly, enjoyed lunch with old friends and watched our just-about-grown baby settle into her new life. Ask me where the time went all you like, but I will have no reply. She's my little kindergartener in the pansy-print dress who happens to be a sophomore in college at the same time. I miss her very much, but she is growing and learning at a new level that wouldn't happen if she stayed here.
KINDERGARTEN CHICK
Sigh. It's not fair that in addition to going back to work and taking one baby to college I had to see my most spirited redhead off to kindergarten this week. She set off bravely, down a tooth I might add. She has that wide-eyed wonder when regaling us with stories about school at the dinner table. What a blessing! I hope her eagerness and passion for learning continues her whole life. No calls from the principal yet, so that's a plus too. My feisty little Lilybug makes me proud, vowing to intervene when she sees bullying and to help the teacher when she can. Love that kid.
EGGTOOTH
Would you believe in the midst of all this ballyhoo my sweet baby boy has gotten his first 2 teeth? He got the first in the spot where Lily lost her first a couple of weeks ago (SPOOKY!), followed by its next door neighbor a couple of days later. He is also wildly more active, wiggling and rolling his way wherever he wants to go. He is enjoying being spoiled at Grandma's during the day and has adjusted beautifully. What a sweet love he is, smiling and laughing 90% of his waking hours.
CHICKEN RUN
Today, after 11 weeks of training, I ran my first 5K. This event was so momentous and important that I will chronicle it under separate cover in another post. In short, I pulled off something today that NEVER would have been a desire of mine, let alone a possibility.
So what a week it has been! Changes nearly every day. Yet I feel strangely peaceful and fulfilled, despite the overwhelming nature of the week's events. I attribute this to the Peace that Passes Understanding, which is, I assure you, very real and very wonderful. Thank you Lord for being my Peace, my Strength, my Shield and my Redeemer.
Like it or not, there were many changes that converged upon my life this past week (or 10 days). All of it was good, though much of it was difficult, stressful and bittersweet. You know how there's nothing, nothing, nothing going on, then suddenly EVERYTHING is going on at once? That was my week.
MOM FLIES THE NEST
I returned to work on 9/1, after being on maternity leave for 7 months. I hated to go and leave my beautiful babies, but my bank account insisted. No complaints, as it was by the provision and grace of God I stayed out that long. Lucky for me there are children at work to love and nurture too. I know it is my calling, so being there is really fine, though every day is a conscious effort to walk in love and speak in love. There is so much to be overwhelmed, frustrated, annoyed and offended by at school, but one of the aspects of my change-filled year is to decide to be happy. Ironically, one of the school psychologists has launched an "I Choose Happy" campaign. A lot of people think it is corny or some Pollyanna rhetoric, but it is working for me. I have peace in chaos and happiness in less-than-ideal situations these days.
CHICK FLIES THE NEST
We moved Em back to college for year 2 on 9/3/11. It was much smoother a process this time, both logistically and emotionally. I was teary in the car, but way less worried because Em has friends now and was so excited to be back at MSU. We moved her in quickly, enjoyed lunch with old friends and watched our just-about-grown baby settle into her new life. Ask me where the time went all you like, but I will have no reply. She's my little kindergartener in the pansy-print dress who happens to be a sophomore in college at the same time. I miss her very much, but she is growing and learning at a new level that wouldn't happen if she stayed here.
KINDERGARTEN CHICK
Sigh. It's not fair that in addition to going back to work and taking one baby to college I had to see my most spirited redhead off to kindergarten this week. She set off bravely, down a tooth I might add. She has that wide-eyed wonder when regaling us with stories about school at the dinner table. What a blessing! I hope her eagerness and passion for learning continues her whole life. No calls from the principal yet, so that's a plus too. My feisty little Lilybug makes me proud, vowing to intervene when she sees bullying and to help the teacher when she can. Love that kid.
EGGTOOTH
Would you believe in the midst of all this ballyhoo my sweet baby boy has gotten his first 2 teeth? He got the first in the spot where Lily lost her first a couple of weeks ago (SPOOKY!), followed by its next door neighbor a couple of days later. He is also wildly more active, wiggling and rolling his way wherever he wants to go. He is enjoying being spoiled at Grandma's during the day and has adjusted beautifully. What a sweet love he is, smiling and laughing 90% of his waking hours.
CHICKEN RUN
Today, after 11 weeks of training, I ran my first 5K. This event was so momentous and important that I will chronicle it under separate cover in another post. In short, I pulled off something today that NEVER would have been a desire of mine, let alone a possibility.
So what a week it has been! Changes nearly every day. Yet I feel strangely peaceful and fulfilled, despite the overwhelming nature of the week's events. I attribute this to the Peace that Passes Understanding, which is, I assure you, very real and very wonderful. Thank you Lord for being my Peace, my Strength, my Shield and my Redeemer.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL
I've noticed a few things lately, namely less shake, rattle and roll. I mean the shaking of flab, the rattling of my old bones cracking and creaking every time I move or get up. And the rolls...oh the rolls - they are slowing shrinking...slowly.
Yeah, that was me, nonchalantly feeling my own butt cheek last week when I was doing my cool down walk in week 8 of C25K. Why you ask? Because I noticed as I was walking that it (my junk in the trunk) didn't seem to be shaking and wobbling with the same gelatinous fervor as before. It was the first time I'd realized this since having my son. I felt a little firm and toned even. Now I wouldn't say you could bounce a quarter off of any part of my body just yet, but my calves and quads have also definitely gained some firmness. My rolls are melting gradually, sort of like a great glacier of flab that erodes over time. I just hope it doesn't take a million years.
My new idea, still in the conceptual phase, is to do some form of arm and ab work on my non-running days. This is a fancy way of saying that I just didn't start yet, for no reason other than I am dreading and avoiding it. However, just like with running, it is something I may find pleasantly useful and productive once I begin. I am not a gym person, nor will I ever be, so I intend to milk the most out of my Comcast fees and use the Exercise TV Yoga, etc. I located on there some months ago.
It is surreal to see physical change begin to mirror the changes you experience on the inside. I feel better and more confident, and I am, albeit slowly, beginning to look different too. Now if I could just tame my inner carboholic, I would really be in business.
Stay sweaty my friends.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
BECOMING
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19
SATURDAY - 8/13/11
Fear, doubt, frustration. Today they were hounding me. I am still on my personal mission to change several key areas of my life including my diet, fitness, housekeeping habits/organization and spiritual development. I like to keep my posts positive, but I am sharing my reality, which has been one of unrest and intermittent pessimism in the past week or so.
SATURDAY - 8/13/11
Fear, doubt, frustration. Today they were hounding me. I am still on my personal mission to change several key areas of my life including my diet, fitness, housekeeping habits/organization and spiritual development. I like to keep my posts positive, but I am sharing my reality, which has been one of unrest and intermittent pessimism in the past week or so.
I woke up today knowing I was supposed to do my run. I could have done it yesterday but my sore knee has been a bit annoying. For those who aren't aware, I bit the pavement pretty hard on 8/3 while on vacation. For those of you who live under a rock, I am a celebrated faller. I was in National Harbor, MD and was doing week 7, day 3 of C25K when I stumbled on some shallow stairs down by the waterfront. My left knee slammed down on a metal grate surrounding a tree and looked like someone put a panini press to it. It was a series of scabby stripes for at least a week. That put me behind in my training for the 5K I am doing on 9/10. It is also when I started allowing fear, doubt and frustration to start nipping at my heels.
I did NOT want to go this morning. I was tired, feeling generally slow, heavy, incapable and ridiculous. I went, and struggled hard for the last 10 minutes or so of the 28 minute run interval today. I ran past a lady in a wheelchair and another shuffling along Bank Avenue with her walker, which made me feel both pathetic and inspired at the same time. I mean, if women with ambulatory issues who are almost 3 times my age get get out and about, surely my pitiful behind could do the session today right? I just felt fat, foolish and defeated today. It wasn't fun. It also isn't the only area I've been having concern with lately.
I return to work full time on 9/1 and have had mounting worries that I won't be able to maintain or finish anything I've started. Here's my list of things I am currently fretting over:
* Leaving my beautiful babies and going back to the job.
* Finishing the C25K program with enough endurance to run and complete my race on 9/10
* Finishing the cleaning/organizing of my house before 9/1 so that I am not living like a slob and being overwhelmed the whole school year with my own inability to keep things neat and organized.
* Not losing all the weight I'd like, getting down to an ideal/healthy weight and size.
* Slipping out of the habit of doing my devotions and bible study due to a lack of discipline and hectic schedule once back to work.
* Not having enough time and energy to give my kids and husband all the attention they deserve when working again full time.
I am usually not a person who suffers from a case of "I Can't". I get excited and optimistic when doing something new and look forward to becoming better and achieving something. Imagine - my Teacher Nightmares haven't even started yet (typically late August they begin - and yes - I mean real nightmares of all the mishaps and problems a teacher can encounter). Here I am with 2 whole weeks left of summer and I'm worrying myself silly.
All this to say that I got to thinking about the concept of "becoming" and how it is a process. My house is neater than it was 6 months ago. My fitness level is much better too than it was only 8 weeks ago. My spiritual life is much better due to almost daily quiet time in the Word (striving for daily). I am getting to spend time with my children and just be their mom and have fun. All these are good things - me becoming better than I was before.
It is true what they say - there's always room for improvement. As long as I continue the process of becoming, I will vow to feel good about any small step in the right direction.
It is true what they say - there's always room for improvement. As long as I continue the process of becoming, I will vow to feel good about any small step in the right direction.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY
This whole change thing is an uphill battle. I know that's cliche' but it is - literally and figuratively. There's a hill that rises at the end of Bank Avenue along the Delaware River that I had avoided at all costs until about 2 weeks ago. I had memories of my childhood, trying to pedal my bicycle up that hill and remember feeling spent and nearly-defeated each time I tried it. Besides, why would I run up a hill when there are plenty of other perfectly good streets that are level?
On the day I first went up the hill on the C25K program, I had been fantasizing about being able to wear a sports bra or sport tank and running shorts to go out on my training days. At present, this is quite impossible for aesthetic and practical reasons. Firstly, though I don't care much what people think, it just isn't right for a woman of my particular girth to trot around in a sports bra. Really - like not right at all. I wistfully hope that someday I will be able to do so, but it isn't time yet. Secondly, running shorts (or any shorts) are too short and result in what I can only describe as a dreadful bunching up of fabric that results in chub rub. I would love to wear shorts to run because of the heat, but yoga-pant capris are most practical, yielding the least friction. (See my previous post from 7/14 for the details on what chub rub is and why it is a problem.)
So in the middle of my fantasy about the Future Me in the running outfit that would make me look and feel like a real runner, I see The Hill. Just up yonder, it gently slopes upward, taunting me and challenging me to take it on. I was in the midst of a "run" interval when this happened. Unswervingly, I began my ascent. Go big or go home right. I wasn't going to walk it.
At that very moment of decision, like a beacon of bronzed fruition, I spied her at the top of the hill about to run down. It was her! Future Me. Descending the hill easily in the very outfit of my aforementioned fantasy, she positively glowed, pounding the pavement with finesse and confidence. WOW. It was a cosmic moment - the Future Me passing by the Current Me. As I puffed up the hill past her, I thought to myself "someday that will be me". I didn't feel bad about myself at all at that moment. I felt excited, energized, hopeful. That in and of itself is a HUGE change for me. I used to look at girls like that and feel inferior, jealous and hopelessly stuck in a zaftig body. Oddly, it was an unexpected change, not one I'd planned or sought. Perhaps the best kind of change.
And as she gracefully bounded by me, I had a new fantasy. Perhaps as she passed me, she felt good about herself and thought "that used to be me". Maybe she remembered her first days and weeks of healthful exercise and was proud of just how far she'd come.
On the day I first went up the hill on the C25K program, I had been fantasizing about being able to wear a sports bra or sport tank and running shorts to go out on my training days. At present, this is quite impossible for aesthetic and practical reasons. Firstly, though I don't care much what people think, it just isn't right for a woman of my particular girth to trot around in a sports bra. Really - like not right at all. I wistfully hope that someday I will be able to do so, but it isn't time yet. Secondly, running shorts (or any shorts) are too short and result in what I can only describe as a dreadful bunching up of fabric that results in chub rub. I would love to wear shorts to run because of the heat, but yoga-pant capris are most practical, yielding the least friction. (See my previous post from 7/14 for the details on what chub rub is and why it is a problem.)
So in the middle of my fantasy about the Future Me in the running outfit that would make me look and feel like a real runner, I see The Hill. Just up yonder, it gently slopes upward, taunting me and challenging me to take it on. I was in the midst of a "run" interval when this happened. Unswervingly, I began my ascent. Go big or go home right. I wasn't going to walk it.
At that very moment of decision, like a beacon of bronzed fruition, I spied her at the top of the hill about to run down. It was her! Future Me. Descending the hill easily in the very outfit of my aforementioned fantasy, she positively glowed, pounding the pavement with finesse and confidence. WOW. It was a cosmic moment - the Future Me passing by the Current Me. As I puffed up the hill past her, I thought to myself "someday that will be me". I didn't feel bad about myself at all at that moment. I felt excited, energized, hopeful. That in and of itself is a HUGE change for me. I used to look at girls like that and feel inferior, jealous and hopelessly stuck in a zaftig body. Oddly, it was an unexpected change, not one I'd planned or sought. Perhaps the best kind of change.
And as she gracefully bounded by me, I had a new fantasy. Perhaps as she passed me, she felt good about herself and thought "that used to be me". Maybe she remembered her first days and weeks of healthful exercise and was proud of just how far she'd come.
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