"Nought may endure but Mutability." -Percy Bysshe Shelley

"Nought may endure but Mutability." -Percy Bysshe Shelley

Saturday, July 30, 2011


This whole change thing is an uphill battle.  I know that's cliche' but it is - literally and figuratively.  There's a hill that rises at the end of Bank Avenue along the Delaware River that I had avoided at all costs until about 2 weeks ago.  I had memories of my childhood, trying to pedal my bicycle up that hill and remember feeling spent and nearly-defeated each time I tried it.  Besides, why would I run up a hill when there are plenty of other perfectly good streets that are level?

On the day I first went up the hill on the C25K program, I had been fantasizing about being able to wear a sports bra or sport tank and running shorts to go out on my training days.  At present, this is quite impossible for aesthetic and practical reasons.  Firstly, though I don't care much what people think, it just isn't right for a woman of my particular girth to trot around in a sports bra.  Really - like not right at all.  I wistfully hope that someday I will be able to do so, but it isn't time yet.  Secondly, running shorts (or any shorts) are too short and result in what I can only describe as a dreadful bunching up of fabric that results in chub rub.   I would love to wear shorts to run because of the heat, but yoga-pant capris are most practical, yielding the least friction.  (See my previous post from 7/14 for the details on what chub rub is and why it is a problem.)

So in the middle of my fantasy about the Future Me in the running outfit that would make me look and feel like a real runner, I see The Hill.  Just up yonder, it gently slopes upward, taunting me and challenging me to take it on.  I was in the midst of a "run" interval when this happened.  Unswervingly, I began my ascent.  Go big or go home right.  I wasn't going to walk it.

At that very moment of decision, like a beacon of bronzed fruition, I spied her at the top of the hill about to run down.  It was her!  Future Me.  Descending the hill easily in the very outfit of my aforementioned fantasy, she positively glowed, pounding the pavement with finesse and confidence.  WOW.  It was a cosmic moment - the Future Me passing by the Current Me.  As I puffed up the hill past her, I thought to myself "someday that will be me".  I didn't feel bad about myself at all at that moment.  I felt excited, energized, hopeful.  That in and of itself is a HUGE change for me.  I used to look at girls like that and feel inferior, jealous and hopelessly stuck in a zaftig body.  Oddly, it was an unexpected change, not one I'd planned or sought.  Perhaps the best kind of change.

And as she gracefully bounded by me, I had a new fantasy.  Perhaps as she passed me, she felt good about herself and thought "that used to be me".  Maybe she remembered her first days and weeks of healthful exercise and was proud of just how far she'd come.

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