"Nought may endure but Mutability." -Percy Bysshe Shelley

"Nought may endure but Mutability." -Percy Bysshe Shelley

Sunday, August 14, 2011


"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

SATURDAY - 8/13/11

Fear, doubt, frustration.  Today they were hounding me.  I am still on my personal mission to change several key areas of my life including my diet, fitness, housekeeping habits/organization and spiritual development.  I like to keep my posts positive, but I am sharing my reality, which has been one of unrest and intermittent pessimism in the past week or so.

I woke up today knowing I was supposed to do my run.  I could have done it yesterday but my sore knee has been a bit annoying.  For those who aren't aware, I bit the pavement pretty hard on 8/3 while on vacation.  For those of you who live under a rock, I am a celebrated faller.  I was in National Harbor, MD and was doing week 7, day 3 of C25K when I stumbled on some shallow stairs down by the waterfront.  My left knee slammed down on a metal grate surrounding a tree and looked like someone put a panini press to it.  It was a series of scabby stripes for at least a week.  That put me behind in my training for the 5K I am doing on 9/10.  It is also when I started allowing fear, doubt and frustration to start nipping at my heels.

I did NOT want to go this morning.  I was tired, feeling generally slow, heavy, incapable and ridiculous. I went, and struggled hard for the last 10 minutes or so of the 28 minute run interval today.  I ran past a lady in a wheelchair and another shuffling along Bank Avenue with her walker, which made me feel both pathetic and inspired at the same time.  I mean, if women with ambulatory issues who are almost 3 times my age get get out and about, surely my pitiful behind could do the session today right?  I just felt fat, foolish and defeated today.  It wasn't fun.  It also isn't the only area I've been having concern with lately.

I return to work full time on 9/1 and have had mounting worries that I won't be able to maintain or finish anything I've started.  Here's my list of things I am currently fretting over:

*  Leaving my beautiful babies and going back to the job.
*  Finishing the C25K program with enough endurance to run and complete my race on 9/10
*  Finishing the cleaning/organizing of my house before 9/1 so that I am not living like a slob and being overwhelmed the whole school year with my own inability to keep things neat and organized.
*  Not losing all the weight I'd like, getting down to an ideal/healthy weight and size.
*  Slipping out of the habit of doing my devotions and bible study due to a lack of discipline and hectic schedule once back to work.
*  Not having enough time and energy to give my kids and husband all the attention they deserve when working again full time.

I am usually not a person who suffers from a case of "I Can't".  I get excited and optimistic when doing something new and look forward to becoming better and achieving something.  Imagine - my Teacher Nightmares haven't even started yet (typically late August they begin - and yes - I mean real nightmares of all the mishaps and problems a teacher can encounter).  Here I am with 2 whole weeks left of summer and I'm worrying myself silly.

All this to say that I got to thinking about the concept of "becoming" and how it is a process.  My house is neater than it was 6 months ago.  My fitness level is much better too than it was only 8 weeks ago.  My spiritual life is much better due to almost daily quiet time in the Word (striving for daily).  I am getting to spend time with my children and just be their mom and have fun.  All these are good things - me becoming better than I was before.

It is true what they say - there's always room for improvement.  As long as I continue the process of becoming, I will vow to feel good about any small step in the right direction.


  1. I think it's good to worry sometimes. If you were just complacent, you'd lose the motivation to do the things you want to do. Worry feels horrible in the moment, but I think it can't motivate as well. I'm so proud of you, my friend! You are an amazing person!

  2. Thanks! I appreciate your kind words. I'm in it for the long haul.